Chapter 4
By the time he arrived at Hanna High School Colin was interested in social justice. The sixties filled him with hope for change, a better world for all, not just some, and from the first day of grade 10 he could not understand why boys could wear pants to school but girls could not. Even in the dead of winter when temperatures could plummet to minus 30, girls could only wear dresses to school. He recognized an injustice. His United Church school teacher, John Charyk, was also the high school principal thus Colin was not fearful of confronting him with a plea for fair treatment.
Mr. Charyk: Students are here to learn how to follow the rules, not to change them.
Colin: Yeah but Mr. Charyk it's 1971 and we should get with the times man.
Mr. Charyk: Rules are made to be followed.
Colin: Yeah, I get that but why can't girls wear pants to school, especially in winter. It's not fair. It's a double standard.
Mr. Charyk: Rules are rules.
Colin: Well, why not ask the girls what they think. I've talked to lots of them and they really want to wear pants.
Mr. Charyk: Listen young man, you've got a bad attitude and you're going to have a lot of trouble in life if you don't learn how to follow the rules.
Colin: No. You've got a bad attitude and mark my word things will change whether you like it or not.
Colin paid a visit to the Chair of the School Board, his girlfriend’s mother, and spoke about equality for girls and women and the need to change with the times. She agreed and within a few months the rules were changed and girls could wear pants at Hanna High School.
Colin became a teenage alcoholic during high school. He binge drank on weekends and smoked dope all week. He thought drugs and alcohol made him popular and likeable. He drank for the courage it gave him, for the high and the numbness, and for the escape. Most importantly, he drank to be sociable. He wanted to fit in.
Jurgen: This is hash. It's like concentrated pot. Smell it.
Colin: Smells moldy.
Jurgen: Here, light the pipe and inhale deep.
Colin took a deep puff of the pungent oily smoke, held it briefly, then choked and coughed in uncontrollable spasms. Jurgen and Tom burst out laughing.
Tom: Maybe not so big a puff next time, eh?
They passed the pipe around a few times, each of them coughing from the harshness of the oily hash smoke.
Jurgen: I'm getting a good buzz. And you?
Colin: I don't think it's working.
They loaded the pipe repeatedly, until the hash was spent.
Tom: Now how do you feel?
Colin: No. I don't feel anything, man.
Jurgen: Let's go for a drive before my mom comes home.
Jurgen and Tom were snickering and pushing each other as they exited the basement bedroom. They headed up the stairs and Colin followed. He paused, turned to look behind him and saw a translucent version of himself, a ghost, staring back expressionless from the bottom of the stairs. “Now that's trippy”, he thought.
Tom: C'mon man. Hurry up. What's wrong?
Colin: Nothing. I thought I saw. Well, nothing.
Jurgen and Tom burst out laughing.
Jurgen: You're stoned man, stoned.
Tom: What do you think? Like it?
Colin: I don't know. I feel kind of drunk.
Tom: Yeah, he's stoned.
Jurgen: Buzzzzz.
Inside Jurgen's purple AMC Gremlin Colin settled onto the cool soft back seat. The car moved forward effortlessly and they cruised slowly down the street. Jurgen braked for a stop sign and something inside Colin switched on and everything slipped into glide. He knew he was awake but this was dreaming with eyes open. Groovy. Very groovy.
In his grade twelve year Colin was flying high, student council president, hot girlfriend, good grades, loving family, part-time job, money, car, booze, drugs, and friends. What more could an eager young buck in small town 1970’s Alberta wish for?
He could not sleep through the night, though. Twitching of the muscles in the back of his arms kept him awake so his doctor proscribed Elavil, a tricyclic antidepressant to treat him for neuralgia. Within two weeks the twitching stopped and Colin felt rested after a full night of sleep.
Except for one little problem. When he drank on Elavil he would black out after the first few hours of drinking and although reports were that his behaviour was just fine, he deplored the loss of control and decided that was enough of the Elavil. Besides, he figured he was cured of his neuralgia and did not like the idea of taking pills for the brain. His mother strongly agreed.
Soon, the blackouts reappeared. He drank heavily, tried all sorts of street drugs and wore it like a badge of honour. He drove drunk all the time and put other people’s lives at risk. It's one thing to mess around with your own life but something very different to mess around with the lives of others.
Elected on a platform promise of 'a dance a month' Colin became Student Council President in his grade twelve year. He delivered on the promise through a talent agency in Calgary, and once each month a different rock band transformed the school's gymnasium into a gyrating teenage festival of dancing, drinking, and smoking. Forbidden on the premises, alcohol, pot, and cigarettes were consumed before the dance or inside cars and trucks in the parking lot during the dance.
Joanne's long shiny chestnut hair parted down the middle cascaded gently over the soft round shoulders of her slight frame. She preferred to be called Jo and Colin complied willingly. They were classic high school sweethearts. Romantically entwined they never missed an opportunity to show the world their affection. They held hands, gave each other love pecks on the cheek, and shared whispered secrets. Every Saturday morning Colin ducked out from his job at the meat market and purchased one long stem red rose which he promptly delivered to Jo along with a pronouncement of love and a promise to see her that night.
On weekends they partied with friends and on weeknights they drove around in Colin's car like so many young people who cruised main street Hanna to pass the time and hook up with friends.
One frosty winter night the two love birds were cruising main street when Colin noticed his friend Michael was following in his purple Austin Mini. Michael had tried on a few occasions to put the moves on Jo and Colin was insanely jealous about that. On this night he'd had enough so when he parked in front of Jo's parents’ house to say goodnight, he was not surprised to see Michael’s car pull up from behind.
Colin and Jo were sharing a passionate farewell kiss, the motor of his car still running to stave off the cold. Colin suddenly jammed the gear shift to reverse and punched the gas pedal with his foot. His car lurched backward smashing into the hood of the little purple mini. Looking back Jo screamed “Oh my God”. Colin bolted upright, drove the car forward a few feet and did it again. He then jumped out of his car and marched back to confront Michael. “Sorry. I didn't see you there” he sniffed. Michael's father presented Colin with the repair bill for his son's car and Colin paid it gladly.
Colin and Jo dated throughout his grade twelve year. Jo was two years his junior so when it came time to leave Hanna and study at the University of Alberta in Edmonton, Colin broke it off with her without so much as a word of warning. With no consideration for her feelings, he ended the relationship in a few short sentences, and she was crushed. He adored her as a girlfriend, but he knew he just couldn't deliver the goods.
Colin took piano lessons beginning in grade two and by grade 11 he passed the Grade 10 Royal Conservatory of Music piano exams. He thought a classical piano background was okay, but he really wished to learn the popular music of the sixties and seventies, so his parents enrolled him in lessons with Mrs. Popovich. She taught him stride piano, jazz, and he was soon improvising all his favourite songs.
The summer after high school graduation would transform Colin's life profoundly as he came to the realization that he was gay, a homosexual. One by one he boldly revealed this secret to his closest friends.
Colin: Listen man. I wanna tell you something important.
David: Okay.
Colin: It's about me. Who I am.
David: Okay.
Colin: Don't freak out, man.
David: Okay.
Colin: Well, I uh. I'm gay.
David: How do you know?
Colin: I dunno. I just know I like guys. How do you know you like girls?
David: Yeah, but do you have any idea what sort of life you're in for. Sad and lonely, man. It's a tough life.
Colin: I'll take my chances. Besides I didn't choose this life. It chose me.
David: You're still my friend. This doesn't change anything.
Karen: So, what's the big news you want to tell me?
Colin: Well, I just wanted to say that I'm gay. I like guys.
Karen: Hey I like guys too. I knew you were gay a long time ago and felt badly that you didn't know. Now we’re like sisters.
Colin: Why was I the last to find out? Joy told me the same thing. Geez.
Colin: Somebody might have told you this already.
Darlene: Told me what?
Colin: I've been telling my friends something about me.
Darlene: Yeah, what?
Colin: It's about, well it's about who I am. I'm gay.
Darlene: Are you sure?
Colin: Of course I'm sure. Why would I say it if I wasn't sure?
Darlene: Maybe you haven't met the right girl yet.
Colin: No, I'm not confused. I'm gay.
Darlene puts her arms around Colin's neck and leans in to kiss him. Pulling back, he grabs her by the shoulders and yells in her face.
Colin: I'm not confused. I'm gay. I like guys and that's it.
Darlene: Okay. Sorry.
He walks briskly along the front sidewalk and turns sharply into the yard. Running up the front steps Colin is greeted by his mother.
Betty: What was all the fuss out there. Was that Darlene you were talking to? Why did you yell at her?
Colin: Oh nothing. Just a misunderstanding. Mom?
Betty: Yes dear.
Colin: I want to tell you. I think you might already know this. I'm gay.
Betty: Yes dear, I know and. I'm your mother. But don't tell your father it would break his heart.
Colin: Okay, thanks mom.
Years later Colin confronted his mom about this promise claiming it was unfair and she agreed and apologized. She said she was doing the best she could with what she had. On one level he understood she was trying to protect her romantic idea of perfect family. One in which there was no gay son.
One morning during grade twelve Colin looked into his father’s shaving drawer. They shared the downstairs bathroom and each had their own drawer. Tucked away in the back of the drawer was a mikey bottle of rye whiskey.
Colin: I found a mikey of rye in dad's shaving drawer. I think he's drinking before work.
Betty: He does seem to be drinking a lot. I'm worried about it.
Colin: Me too.
Betty: Well, he's a business man and they drink with their customers. They all do it.
Colin: He could end up like his dad. A drunk.
Betty: You'd better be careful with your own drinking or you'll end up a drunk too.
They drove in Colin’s car a mile north to the town's cemetery. It was a good place to smoke dope as there were only two entrances and they could see if the RCMP were coming to bust them. A doobie is lit and passed around. Colin found an empty freshly dug grave. He climbed in and lay down on the cool grey clay and had his picture taken.
